Today there is a check list of like 10 million things and you're supposed to come to terms with the things you will never do before you die. I actually took the time to read each and every one of these, checking off the ones that I will not do. I was honest, realistic and totally committed. So HA. I did this one FOR REALSIES! HA! and now I will list all the things I will never do in my lifetime and I'm okay with it: climb everest (I don't really want to, its not good for you. Its true, I saw a video in enviornmental science that told us how it kills brain cells), learn italian (ha! been there done that, didn't go well), become world chess champion, rob a bank (unless I'm Patty Herset-ed, that would be bad, but I don't anticipate robbing a bank), go to heaven (this one was a technicality because I won't do that before I die and I'm not sure that I'll do it after I die either, regardless, I won't go there while I'm still kicking), WAlk to the north pole (is that even possible?), Lean Russian (I'm bad with languages in general), Live off charity (hope not), Contract and STD (not if I have anything to say about it), swallow a coin (I'm no longer two, I've passed that part of my life sucessfully coin free), spend a night in prision, start a revolution, follow this book rigorously (hhahahhahhahah), learn the periodic table by heart (yeah, why woudl I do that?), Collect stamps, work in a coal mine (I think I've got the black lung pop, cough cough), Watch all of Bergman (no idea what that is), Follow Mao's teachings, Bite the dust (metaphorically or literally unappealing), move to Japan, wear a rucksack, inject heroin (NO THANK YOU), faint with love (I'm not that lame, how incredibly arcaic and not in the good way. I'm not that kind of girl), save the world (maybe in a small way), become insensitive to suffering (never), be gay, start a cult (cults scare me), grow a beard (I just keep trying and nothing happens!!), master the yo yo (dangerous weapon), become a fitness instructor, apply for a patent, become a rock star (I wish, especially if Mark Wahlberg is involved), live for a year on a desert island (not by choice), use the term solutionize (is that proper english?), confess to a whore (a priest, yes I might do that, not a whore), eat leaves from tress (only under dire circumstances), graffiti a highway bridge, own an owl (those things frighten me), comtemplate suicide, gamble your shirt, learn to fly (a plane would be cool, but not myself), get a tatoo, learn to live with gnats (ewwwww), invade a small country (with what army?), disinherit your heirs, Adopt a Romanian, seduce the prom queen (we didn't have one), paint someone in tar and feathers, light a fart (insert eye roll), shave off your pubic hair, smoke a cat (WHAT?), win the nobel peace prize, make love in front of a stranger, volunteer for a dangerous mission (I'm no james bond), overdose (unless its on chocolate), give birth to a goatboy (this dream was hard to let go, I would name him gilbert), win the rat race, overthrow a regime, organize and orgy, race at monaco (I would love to go to Monaco, but not race there, just take in the rays), marry someone you've never met (I could marry someone I just met, I believe in love like that. This is of course if it doesn't work out with the boyfriend), discover Atlantis, dream in black and white (I don't know how that would happen), see your face on a banknote (unless its for the country of Emalison), be eaten by cannibals (also, hopefully not), host a game show, win the lottery, sleep with your best friends partner (not in my character), start your own religion, shoot the last buffalo (NEVER, I don't think I could shoot anything besides a can), Burn your bra (why? I like my bras, they're pretty), burn your cup, find a guru, marry a prince or princess ( the good brit is taken, whats the point?), settle in Pittsburgh, run with the wolves, become pope (I'm a woman- they don’t allow that, grumble grumble sexist pigs), inherit the crown jewels, be used as a manga character, grow a tail (wtf?), crash a helicopter into the jungle (I’m not Indiana Jones), take a vow of silence (yeah, that would last long), take a vow of chastity (yeah, that would last long), go live with a hermit (they don’t seem to friendly, they’re hermits for a reason), become a muslim, become a Buddhist, become a Christian (I’m not into religion!), eradicate hepitiis C, kiss your own lips (not possible), shoot the pianist ( see “shoot the last buffalo”), invent a typeface (I’ll leave that to adam and nate), reject society (only certain aspects of society, like plastic surgery), beat bjorn borg at tennis (I suck at tennis, and photoshop), refuse a new technology, meet your great great grandchildren (I hope I’m dead by then), suffer a food gladly, sway a jury, sweep a chimney (only if Vick Van Dyke is involved), fight the power, be the 78th person on the moon, collect coins (HEY, hasn’t that already been listed… maybe that was stamps), be called on by your president, win best looking baby of the year (missed that ship), smoke a Cuban cigar, think up a new swear word (I’m not that creative), fight a duel (look what happened to Jackson? Adams? HAMILTON. Don’t want to end up like him), jump the gun, suck on 12 lollipops at once (chubby bunny), have your own brand of olive oil (okay with that), become immortal (pass thanks, it would suck), play the lead in swan lake, catch that bird that bird that pooped on you, loop the loop (what that what?), make a pact with the devil (NEVER turns out well- Rosemary’s baby anyone?), witness mating flamingos, feel ugly (I don’t really ever feel ugly, sometimes I feel plain but not like “shield the kids bob!” ugly), walk down the yellow brick road, travel at wharp speed (looks painful), implode (good lord I hope not), swim in lake Titicaca, jump on a real bandwagon, run an arms dealership (I don’t like guns!!), sniff superglue, become a superhero (I’m done commenting, this is really long), memorize and encyclopedia, floss twice a day, go on a rampage, make you bank manager beg, lick and electric eel, broker a ceasefire, conduct and orchestra, jump ship, get drunk on meths (like meth? As in the drug? No thanks), sacrifice a goat, inaugurate a building, sleep with a whore of Babylon (not sure Babylon exists anymore), ride a yak, sup with satan (do what with satan?), bite the hand that feeds you, track down lord lucan, cause an intergalactic rift, ONLY 50 MORE TO GO!!!!, travel back in time, appease a dictator, lose your mojo, face a firing squad, gate crash the white house, burn a banknote, have the midas touch, trigger and avalanche, cure the common cold, own an oil field, save the whale, you probably don’t care anymore and stopped reading ages ago, discover a new continent (I think they’ve all been discovered), precipitate the decline of the west, mate with another species, become possessed, surpass, understand or look like Einstein, predict an eclipse (its not too hard, I’m just lazy), participate in the Olympics, catch a shark, meet your maker, commit arson, talk dirty to a flower (I’m more into humans), spot the invisible man, head a posse, undergo emergency liposuction, do the Rubik’s cube, betray your country, change astrological signs, bring back bambi, join the French foreign legion, achiever perfection ( I don’t want to be perfect), win top prize for your Verruca, channel lava away from a village, grow a third nipple, witness the Big Bang (already happened folks), gerrymander, molt, die of hard work, run amok, discover your ancestor is Napoleon, successfully crash land a jumbo jet, riddle while Rome burns, run out of tears, howl at the full moon, give rise to a cause célèbre, part the red sea, have sex with your clone, know the truth about JFK, wave a red flag at a bull (BAD idea), rule the world.
PHEW, I told you it was like 10 Million, and those are only the ones I’ll never do.
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